just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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