conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
