my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
