this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
