He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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