i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
now i know why i became what i already was.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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