Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
