Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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