I think I can smell my own vagina right now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You ruined the universe
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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