I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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