i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize