woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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