I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
