wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Terrible idea I love it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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