My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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