Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
