I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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