Soap is not a condiment
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You have to summon your inner elephant
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
