Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
