my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He uses pillows to masturbate.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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