I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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