Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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