im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There are leaves in my underwear?
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