Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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