I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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