Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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