take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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