i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
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Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
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I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody