I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.