hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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