i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
this boner is exhausting
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
