god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
