Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
