just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
