It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
