He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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