Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
