True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
