I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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