sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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