I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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