i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
