In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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