I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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