i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
