Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
