Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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