Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Randomize
