how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
