You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
