alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
