peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
