gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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