Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
