dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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