worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
