I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
