He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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