I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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