I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
