I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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