So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
