I got chris browned last night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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