Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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