last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
