Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
you never un-have a 4some
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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