Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
