I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
